This song was written by Freddy Fiske, a civil libertarian and folk singer who often lampooned public figures in song. He was highly critical of Adoleine Sheriff Anson Teasdale's administration.
or
The Ballad of Anson T.
Old Adoleine the city
Was a town known far and wide
As a place where desperados
And criminals could hide.[1]
The sheriff, Frank McClusky,
Was a man who tried his best.
But at the task of curbing crime
He'd failed like all the rest
The town said "Frank, you need some help.
To other towns we've written.
And now we've had some news
That a new man you'll soon be getting."
He'd landed just that morning
And his name was Anson T. [2]
And he said "I hear you're looking
for another deputy".
He came out from Regina
Where they grow 'em tough and mean [3]
And he had the coldest blue eyes
That anyone had ever seen
Old Frank he looked him up and down
His opinion he'd deliver
"Why I believe we got ourselves
A blue eyed killer."
Blue eyed killer
Come to Adoleine town
The badmen are waiting
To shoot you down
Now Armadillo Amos [4]
Was the first to try his hand.
He had a reputation
And he led a vicious band
He thought he'd try this Anson guy
He knew that he was fast.
Little did he know that
This day would be his last
He drew, but dropped his gun
'Cause of the chicken he'd been eatin'.[5]
He smiled and raised his hands
Because he knew that he'd been beaten
But Anson shot poor Amos
In the liver -- killed him dead.
Then to be sure
He put another five into his head
Blue eyed killer
Your pistol's mighty fast
You just killed your first man
It sure won't be you last
The other bad men called him out,
They came from near and far.
He shot them all and with his skill
He won the sheriff's star
He cleaned up Adoleine,
There were no badmen to be eyed.
But Sheriff T, he'd root them out
Wherever they would hide
Blue eyed killer
What have you got to say?
With all the desperados gone,
How will you earn your pay?
Now Mary Alice Simpson
Stood a mighty 5 foot 2.
She was ragging on her husband
For drinking too much brew
The neighbors called the sheriff,
They were making too much noise.
Sheriff T was losing,
Playing poker with his boys.
He drove on up to Mary's house
To check out the commotion.
Mary held a baseball bat
Her face wracked with emotion.
Sheriff T applied
A little hold around her neck.
He gave a little squeeze,
And then he dropped her on the deck.
Mr. Simpson stood there.
Not a single word was spoken.
His little Mary staring up,
Her little neck was broken.[6]
Poor old Mr. Simpson
Who went and took his life.
A bullet in between the eyes
To go and join his wife.
Blue eyed killer,
He brings domestic calm.
And whenever he goes calling,
The mortician rides along.
Jonny liked to drive
His new red hopper pretty fast
But Sheriff T was waitin',
That drive would be his last.
Sheriff T said "Jonny B [7]
You like to drive too wild.
Your gonna cause an accident
or maybe kill a child."
"No more tickets Jonny,
This time it's gonna hurt."
Then he grabbed Jonny B and
rubbed his face down in the dirt.
He kicked and stomped poor Jonny B.
He cussed him quite a bit.
Then he took his stick
And gave his head a mighty hit.
Jonny said "I'm dying"
And then he passed away.
The sheriff ate his donut,
Then calmly drove away
The sheriff told the people
"Well, folks I did my best
To bring in Jonny B
But he resisted his arrest" [8]
Blue eyed killer
To traffic laws we'll heed.
And we'll remember Jonny B
And never more will speed.
Now Adoleine's a peaceful town,
The laws we all obey.
'Cause sheriff Anson watches us
Most every night and day.
Spoken:
No murders, no muggings, no rapes.
Nobody gets robbed or assaulted.
Nobody speeds or runs a red light.
Nobody jay walks or spits on the sidewalk.
And no one ever has an overdue library book. Ever!
He hates that. [9]
Blue eyed killer,
I sure hope you like this song.
Or to the pearly gates
I'll soon be travellin' along.
Notes:
[1] The free city of Adoleine was well know for its liberal charter. As a result, it became a haven for criminals.
[2] Anson Teasdale, former sheriff of Adoleine. He was renowned for cleaning up the town, though he frequently used brutal and extra-legal methods.
[3] Regina/REGINA. The starport has a reputation as a rough place.
[4] Amos Praxis. Notorius killer and gang leader. He was called "Armadillo" because of his habit of always wearing body armor.
[5] According to local legend, Praxis drew first, but lost control of his gun because his hands were greasy from a lunch of fried chicken. Teasdale was later heard to remark that Praxis was the only man he knew that was "killed by lard".
[6] This is apparently a complete fabrication. Henry Simpson strangled his wife Mary after a domestic fight and then committed suicide. This story is probably based on the common use of the choke hold by Andoleine law enforcement.
[7] Probably John Brubaker, a handsome young gang member who had a history of reckless driving.
[8] Brubaker died after being arrested, probably as the result of a head injury he sustained in the crash of his vehicle after a prolonged chase by the police. The Brubaker family claimed the injury was the result the of police brutality.
[9] While Adoleine had a very liberal charter, Sheriff Teasdale made use of minor administrative regulations and street justice to reduce crime. It worked, but many complained about the strict enforcement of relatively petty laws.